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<title>Latest Humor Articles</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/</link>
<description>Articles at BetterLifeAdvice</description>
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<title>18 Similarities Between Women and Computers</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/18-similarities-between-women-and-computers.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/18-similarities-between-women-and-computers.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:37:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ Before you read any further, please note that this is not a piece out to damage or cut down the important role of women in our society. Read below only as humour and nothing more. These are intended solely for a good laugh. 

Women are unique in many ways (and by this I mean different than men) and its this specific uniqueness or certain traits that I refer to when likening a woman to a personal computer. Do not get offended; it is intended to create a smile.

1) A woman is like a computer in that she costs more than you thought it would.

2) A woman resembles a personal computer in that she will not do exactly what you thought it will.

3) After a while, you simply cannot do without both: your computers and your woman. 

4) Computers are just like women: after you have gotten used to them and cannot do without them, you discover that one is not enough.

5) Some computers, like some women, serve many people.

6) You can work miracles with both by gently using your fingers if you only know the proper code.

7) If you are inactive with them for more than fifteen minutes, they go off.

8) Just like a computer, the one who runs her has more privileges than just anyone else who is just running her. 

9) When there are short-circuits of electricity, they shut you off and then you cannot always return to what was before the short-circuit.

10) Normally, they are available and receptive in the night, but it’s a lot better when they are available and receptive in the morning.

11) When you are, at last, sure that they will do what you wanted, they go off and do something else.

12) The only thing that you predict about the future with them is that they will react unpredictably.

13) Just like women, so too for computers: every year a new model is released that is younger, more advanced and gives a lot more.

14) A woman is just like a computer: you are happy with what you have but when you see what your friends have got, you are sure you want what they have.

15) Women are like computers in that no matter how much you improve and put into them, they only improve for a short time and then go back to their same old pace. 

16) Women are like computers in that every day a new program comes out promising to revolutionize your knowledge and use of them, but after spending a lot more cash you realize that none of them work better than the old one you had before.

17) Women are like computers: you always want what others have and they want what you have but you cannot switch even for a trial basis.

18) Women are like computers in that when you get them you are sure that they are the best. But when the days go back, you wonder why you did not get them with a replacement note. ]]></description>
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<title>3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/3-surefire-ways-to-combat-rising-gas-prices.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/3-surefire-ways-to-combat-rising-gas-prices.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:29:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!

1. Don't Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.

Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore 
photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?

2. Carpool

It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple.

Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by: 

(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill. 

(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper. 

(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc. 

(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud! 

You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.

3. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can 
always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you. 

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material. 

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to 
just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simplethank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you... ]]></description>
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<title>5 Big Advantages of PC Games on Demand</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/5-big-advantages-of-pc-games-on-demand.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/5-big-advantages-of-pc-games-on-demand.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:21:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ Not to knock PlayStation 2 or Xbox 360, but I have a decent PC.  The consoles are okay for the kids, but I am happy with a keyboard and mouse. 

I play online games to relax between work sessions on the computer.  I don't want to get up from the machine to play.  Thankfully, there are games on demand made for my PC.

Here are some of the reasons PC games on demand are going to change the way most of us play the latest video and audio intensive games:

1. Instant Gratification.  I can demo the latest games to see what appeals to me.  When I find a winner, I can purchase on the spot and download the entire game instantly.  No waits.  No trips to the mall to find the game I want - if they have it in stock.

2. New technology takes care of the install.  Some PC games can be a bear to install from a CD or DVD.  Why bother.  I downloaded a fast free player from Triton (http://www.playtriton.com), and I am using the latest streaming technology to start playing the hottest games on the net.

3. I can begin playing full games within minutes of purchase.  Triton's player will download and install your new game in the background using the fastest streaming delivery media available today.  You don't have to wait for the entire game to download before you begin play.

4. Automatic updates.  When you login to your game, Triton automatically makes sure you have the latest and greatest version of your game and player.  No more searching the Internet for updates.  You get yours automatically in the background.

5. Worldwide availability.  No matter where you live in the world, if you have a good PC and a broadband Internet connection, you have access to the best games at the same time as anyone else.  It doesn't matter if your local computer store carries the game you want or if they sold out before you went to buy.  You are in control.

As PCs get more powerful, and broadband becomes the international standard for accessing the Internet, it only makes sense to move to a faster, more economical delivery method for cutting edge games. ]]></description>
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<title>5 Reasons Why You Should Quit Your Day Job</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/5-reasons-why-you-should-quit-your-day-job.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/5-reasons-why-you-should-quit-your-day-job.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:13:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ Most of us would stop working if we could. We constantly dream about it, but that's about as far as we get-dreaming. Working a 9-5 just seems inevitable. I, Timothy Ward, however am a master at defying the inevitable. I stare 'The Inevitable' in the face and call him dirty names. I say, if you want to stop working, STOP WORKING; I'll even give you 5 reasons why you should.

1. If you stop working you'll have more time to devote to reading my articles, columns, and lists. This will enable me to become a household name down at the Unemployment and Welfare offices. My fame is a small price to pay for you living your dreams. Think about this when you see me on the 'Today Show'.

2. Quitting your job will make you feel wonderful. For about 10 minutes you'll be on cloud nine, you'll be on top of the world, you'll be living the good life, you'll be: -insert your own cliche here-. Then you'll start worrying about the car note, the mortgage, the kid's school clothes, groceries, and how you're going to pay that $850 you owe the Petermanns for running over their mailbox and a whole row of prize-winning azaleas. All this will probably depress you to the point of assisted suicide, but at least you had 10 minutes of freedom.

3. Daytime television is some of the most exciting and captivating television around. You'll wonder how you ever survived without all those quality soap operas, daytime talk shows, and judge shows where you get the sinking suspicion that the judge has been paid off. When you combine this with all the informative commercials that air during the daytime that will 'Show you how to make $1,000 a day stuffing envelopes, 'Teach you to drive a tractor trailer in 4 days', 'Allow you to get a degree from home in such exciting fields as GED preparation and septic tank scrubber' and you'll not only wonder why you didn't quit your job sooner, you'll also vow to never work again.

4. In your formerly employed state you missed all those important calls from collection agencies and other bill collectors. Now that you have quit your job you'll be able to sit at home in eager anticipation of these oh-so-important calls. Toss in a few telemarketers, calls from the Sheriff's Association asking for donations, and a few of those computers that call you and ask you to 'Hold for an important message' and you'll have a full day of just answering the phone. It will be like having a full-time job all over again, without all the hassle of getting a paycheck.

5. Dragging yourself out of bed every morning at 5:45 a.m. can't be good for your health. Your doctor will proud of you for caring enough about your body's well-being to go as far as quitting your job. He will not, however, see you as a patient anymore because you no longer have health insurance. But there's no need to worry, after all that's why we have free clinics. Sitting all day in a damp clinic waiting room next to two teenagers with stage 3 Chlamydia is yet another experience you would have missed out on if you had kept your day job.

There you have it folks. 5 reasons why you should immediately go out and quit your job. Feel free to quote any of these reasons to your employer when you turn in your two weeks notice. If she wants to know where you came across such valuable information tell her that a unselfish friend of humanity supplied them to you free of charge, and all I asked in return was that you remember me next time you need your septic tank scrubbed... ]]></description>
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<title>8 Reasons Why You Should Email Me One Dollar</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/8-reasons-why-you-should-email-me-one-dollar.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/8-reasons-why-you-should-email-me-one-dollar.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:05:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ Paypal has made it possible to quickly and easily send money over the Internet. This allows us to pay for all kinds of purchases with a lot less hassle. It also will allow you, everyone who reads this article, to send me, Timothy Ward, $1.00. 

Being the cynics that you are, I know you're probably asking: "Why should I send you $1.00? I barely even know you. If I hadn't somehow stumbled onto this article I wouldn't even have known that you exist. I still don't know how I came across this ridiculous article, I was trying to find my brother-in-law's blog."

Since I know that humanoids are by nature untrusting, and I know that you can spare the dollar, I will now generously provide 8 reasons why you should immediately paypal me a buck. I don't think I'll need more than 5 reasons but I like to give people their money's worth. Plus I have a word count to think about. So without further ado:

(1) Sending me $1.00 will keep you from spending it on something pointless like the mortgage payment. You've been faithfully paying on that mortgage for years-it's time you had a break. And it'll only cost you a single greenback.

(2) Donating to a worthy cause can give you peace of mind which, in turn, will help you to sleep better at night. Giving me a dollar may not be as worthy a cause as, say, giving to the Red Cross, but I promise I will sleep better tonight and many nights thereafter if you send me that dollar.

(3) If I were sitting in front of a gas station smelling of cheap wine and wearing the same clothes I had on when I lost my job 8 months ago, you wouldn't even consider giving me a dollar. You would probably tell me to: "Get a Job, ya bum", and then rapidly walk away, clutching your wallet tightly. I, however, am not sitting in front of a gas station, I'm sitting in front of my television. And I changed clothes 2 days ago.

(4) I need to buy some Bling Bling! You're just not in the game if you don't have diamonds in your ears and ice on your neck and wrists. Plus I know a guy who'll give me a great deal on some gold teeth. But I need more cheese.

(5) Many great artist in history have depended on donations to finance their masterpieces. Your sending me $1.00 will allow me to do the necessary research for a masterpiece of an article that I'm working on called: 'Going Out on Saturday Night and Getting Sloppy Drunk Using Other People's Money'. I'll be sure to acknowledge you at the end.

(6) Fellas, would you rather send me a dollar or have your wife spent it on yet another pair of black heels? Ladies, would you rather your husbands spend it on another one of those magazines that he keeps in that box in his workshop? I thought not.

(7) Time is money. You're already wasting money by taking time to read this article. Another George Washington won't kill you.

(8) The pens and paper I use to write these articles don't pay for themselves. My high speed internect connection that I use to upload these articles isn't free. I don't think $1.00 is too much to ask after the scores of articles I have written and shared with all of cyberspace. After all, if it wasn't for my articles you wouldn't appreciate the good articles written by others.

So there you have it folks. 8 reasons to send me $1.00 via Paypal. As I suspected most of you were sold after Reason #5. I appreciate you waiting patiently until I finished with the remaining Reasons before rushing over to Paypal.com. Now that I have finished listing my reasons feel free to login and send your $1.00 to wailinward@yahoo.com. And please hurry, the guy with the gold teeth isn't going to have those great deals forever... ]]></description>
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<title>AIDS epidemic in the USSR</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/aids-epidemic-in-the-ussr.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/aids-epidemic-in-the-ussr.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:57:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ When an adult suffers from &#1072; child disease, it is extraordinary painful. Just as it happened to me at the late Soviet time when I caught measles, was bedridden for three days with a fever heat of 40C and was going to die. But then a doctor came, diagnosed the rubeola, I was taken to a specialized hospital and alive and kicking in a couple of days. 

I will never forget those three days - an awful headache, general muzziness because of high temperature and in three days no thoughts but those of fast and desired death. In the hospital I met a man of about 50 who told me his case history. Further narration is from the first person.  

I'm not young already and all my age mates often club to start complaining of their illnesses - some have ulcer, others - pressure problems, etc. And I sit like an asshole and can't keep the ball rolling since don't have any serious diseases.  There finally I fall ill, which made me really happy. "They will cure me" - I thought - "so at last I will have a good reason to beat gums with my aces". I found myself in a contagious isolation ward of Botkin's surrounded only by those with Joe Trots and where everyone carries his own altar in their arms. I was also given my own altar. I really joined the club. They analyze me but can't find anything. At those times there appeared first reports of HIV-positive people in newspapers. The first one, as far as I remember, was a fellow from the foreign trade organization - a homosexual. That was the only association with AIDS. After failing to make a diagnosis the doctors decided that I had AIDS. And started putting me to the question. "Suppose you sleep with pants, come clean, we are doctors after all". I deny this but they don't believe me. They say: "Come on, faggot, we keep the medical secrecy".  Thus, a week passes (in three weeks I gave up).

I come up to my doctor and say: "All right, guys, make a diagnosis and treat me, I may take it till the day after tomorrow, or else I will leap out of the window - can't stand it anymore". The next day they hold a regular council when a pediatrician wanders in by mistake. On examining me, she diagnoses rubeola proceeding without visible hives for some reason, which prevented to make the diagnosis right.  The day before yesterday I was brought here and now I'm well. The only thing I'm distressed about is that it's even shameful to tell men about my experience - they discuss different serious ailments there and I have a child disease which is shameful to speak about let alone personal altars and how they passed me for a faggot. Then I have to hold my tongue. ]]></description>
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<title>Al-Qaeda in Iraq Announces New Leader. Or Do They?</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/al-qaeda-in-iraq-announces-new-leader-or-do-they.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/al-qaeda-in-iraq-announces-new-leader-or-do-they.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:49:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ In the wake of the sudden death of its now fragmented leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda in Iraq polled its somewhat shaken members about who would like to take over Mr. Zarqawi’s job. After a determined effort, the group was able to find a terrorist who, though expressing understandable reluctance, was eventually persuaded to accept the expectedly short-lived position.

The usual amateurish Webcast was quickly arranged, and the new leader, flanked by other terrorists wearing the standard-issue black head disguises, introduced himself, with visible knee shaking, as Abu Hamza al-Muhajer.

In the co-opted, overbearingly religious language that has become the worldwide standard in terrorist-speak, the new leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq vowed to avenge al-Zarqawi’s death and vowed that he and the other “holy warriors” will continue with what they perceive as a holy war against their own slack populace and the people Al-Qaeda refers to with moronic medieval acumen as “the crusaders.”

“Don't let the joy of killing our Sheikh Abu Musab, may God bless his soul, fool you,” he stated, “for he left behind lions."

To prove his point, at that moment, he held up an uncooked shish-kabob and took a bite out of it. Chewing on the raw lamb meat, he continued: "He raised them by himself and they trained in his den. They believe in their ideology, and they fight only for God and in God and through God."

Apparently, the group had to reach far down into its ranks to locate another willing volunteer. Unfortunately, no one on the side of the infidels had ever heard of him, even the most erudite terrorist analyst.

A few days later, his identity was determined. After the announcement, his photo-ID poster was taken to a US firing range for target practice.

No comment was forthcoming until and a couple days later, when a terrorist of even less repute made a tape, claiming he is the rightful fellow who's picture should be on the firing range.

Whoever the new leader is, if apprehended alive, he will be sent for retraining in religious ideology to an enlightened mosque, if one can be located, wherein he will learn the disconcerting logic that if, as he and his ill-informed cohorts maintain, there is only one true God, even crusaders are the children of the same God, so such a God is unlikely to welcome them into the paradise they long for as a reward for their murderous activities but will far more likely present them with a more heated welcome and destination. ]]></description>
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<title>Amazing Trivia Part 1</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/amazing-trivia-part-1.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/amazing-trivia-part-1.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:41:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ I admit it .. I LIKE trivia, tho it serves no purpose for me since I can never remember any to bring up in conversation. But still, it is fun, so I've created this list of amazing trivia that I found to be absolutely riveting.

1. Snails can sleep up to 3 years.
 Not so amazing actually since I managed to sleep thru 6 years of jr. high and high school.  And when you think about it, what do snails have to do all their lives?  Sure, they leave great slime trails and make excellent targets for salt shakers and little boys, but other than that there’s not much more to do but sleep after an exhausting run across a sidewalk.

2. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
 Until I read this, I was convinced that there was an olive missing from my salad, yet no one would believe me. Now I am vindicated! I am now searching for proof that the airlines have taken one peanut from each bag .. I'll keep you posted.

3. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
 After reading this, I realized that I know of many people with the same problem! But that’s an article about politicians I'm working on. For me, it's usually that my eyes are bigger than my stomach...

4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. 
 Well, I'd like to see anyone keep this up long enough to actually lose 150 calories.  Now that I think about it, I DON'T want to see...

5. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
 This is completely understandable.. I mean, who wants to look at a duck with no pants on?  Besides, I understand that it is the law for all birds to wear pants in the city limits of Finland.

6. If you pass gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
I tried to prove or disprove this, but two things stopped me ... I couldn't stand to look at a bowl of chili after the third day, and my girlfriend threatened to leave me ... although it was kinda hard to tell what she was really saying with that gasmask on.

7. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Now, this piece of trivia leaves ALOT to the imagination, which is probably a good thing. BUT, I would like to point out, you'd have to be pretty limber to get some on those hairs .. nuff said.

8. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. 
I know this trivia fact isn't true 'cause I've gone drinking with my ants several times and I've watched them fall over in several different directions... usually they tend to fall on my uncles tho.

9. The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
I don't know about this fact ... I've seen several spiders at night and never once felt compelled to eat one. Though I hear that spider is tasty if barbequed correctly.

10. And now for our final fun trivia fact:
 Some lions mate over 50 times a day... No wonder the females do all the work. ]]></description>
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<title>America To Sue Rest Of World For Ungrateful Behavior</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/america-to-sue-rest-of-world-for-ungrateful-behavior.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/america-to-sue-rest-of-world-for-ungrateful-behavior.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:33:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ America, which has sacrificed the lives of its citizens and its material plentitude more selflessly than any other nation in history to come to the assistance of other countries, noted the astonishingly heated negative commentary about it emanating from virtually every corner of the globe and has decided to sue the rest of the world on the grounds of ungrateful behavior.

The President said, “You can’t just go out there and sacrifice your sons and daughters lives and expend so much of the national treasury and not get a little something back. We’ve got sorrowful families all across the land, with whose losses I deeply sympathize, and we can’t even afford to fix the potholes on federal highways. So what choice do we have? We’re taking the ungrateful foreigners to court. Justice will be served. We merit and demand some praise here.”

A grandmother for the plaintiff stated, “My family has lost loved ones in three different wars and all in countries that I haven’t heard a good thing said in about America for years. When I take the stand, watch out. I’m patriotic pissed.”

The international court at The Hague has declined to take the case, primarily because it is in The Hague. Upon learning of that court’s disinclination, the U. S. has appealed to the U. N. to find a venue that will hear the case.”

A prominent attorney for America commented, “We’d rather not have the trial here. Holding it in our own country will detract from the credibility of the outcome, but having it in an unfriendly location is bound to create the kind of inflammatory demonstrations that will lead to a lot of free press.”

Not surprisingly, France, Germany, and Spain have also nixed the idea of hosting the trial, maintaining that since they’re all being sued, supporting the action seems inadvisable.

Britain and Italy are understood to be considering the matter. Tony Blair is the most disposed to hosting it, saying, “We hardly ever badmouth America, so we hope to come through the trial with flying colors.”

The Italian government has expressed some willingness to host it but has indicated it may charge for rental of the courthouse. “I’m confident of victory,” another attorney for America maintained. “All you have to do is look at the newspapers. All the incriminating evidence you need is on the lips of leaders and the public in general in just about every country of the world. The only thing that stands in the way of a big win for the U. S. is finding a country where we can conduct the trial.”

Should the verdict go as the plaintiff hopes, the expectation is that the guilty will henceforth base their comments on a true understanding of just who this country is.

One of the most persuasive arguments the nation’s attorneys hope to present is based on the usual philosophical tactic of imagining the opposite argument.

As the lead attorney for the country put it, “Will you please tell us what other country in the world, besides your own, you would prefer to possess the amount of power America has? We are, in fact, the first nation in the history of the world that could conquer it but, in addition to being freedom-loving people that the whole idea offends, we’re savvy business people who know we just can’t afford the worldwide upkeep.” ]]></description>
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<title>America: Still So Young No Americans Allowed</title>
<link>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/america-still-so-young-no-americans-allowed.html</link>
<guid>http://www.betterlifeadvice.com/arts-entertainment/humor/america-still-so-young-no-americans-allowed.html</guid>
<pubDate>Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:25:37 -0800</pubDate>
<description><![CDATA[ If sometimes, weighed down with the complexities of uneasy empire, we perchance wonder if America could be freedom’s fading star, it’s somewhat reassuring to realize that the nation is so young it still does not recognize the existence of Americans. Even the Indians don’t completely get the nod, because they’re still camped out on reservations.

We might see the persistent refusal to accept “I’m an American” as a recognized nationality, at least on the home front, as a consonant reflection of our mixed and matched heritage. But it does present us with inconveniences.

Tell a fellow American who asks your nationality, “I’m an American,” and what does he say? “Oh, come on, tell me, really, what are you?”

“I just told you,” you repeat, in your resourceful attempt to nationalize yourself, “I was born and rear-beaten in America.”

“No, no,” your interrogator presses on, “I mean, where did your parents come from?”

“Well,” you let out, “my mother was born in West Virginia.”

“Then where did your father come from?”

Now, you’ve been cornered, so you finally confess that he came from here, there, or wherever. Let’s say Ireland. And what does your pouncing interrogator reply?

“Oh, so you’re Irish.”

Actually, the only time you get to be an American is when you’re likely to suffer the slings of outrageous interactions in distant lands.

“Oh, so you’re an American,” you're told, usually in a tone that intimates at least a slight reprimand, as soon as the securely French, Italian, or whatever person you chance to chat with determines you’re from the USA.

And, no matter how much effort your make to elude detection by speaking in the tongue of your assailant, the nonchalant accusation pops to the fore as soon as your first Yankee twang intrudes.

Will Durant, the popular (dare we say American?) historian, estimated that it takes about eight-hundred years for a country to develop a civilization. I wonder how long it takes short of that to develop the nationality that might achieve it. ]]></description>
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